Crazy, Awesome Life

So it has been a long time since I last blogged.

Some of my sweet friends and family have been worried because of my lack of an online presence.

This has mainly been because life has been crazzzzyyyyyyy busy...and I kind of don't have internet at home anymore.

My life has taken a number of twists and turns that I haven't reported to the facebook world.

I move again to a small town a couple of months ago (not far from where we already lived), got the kids all signed up for school this Fall.  This will be the first year they have ever been to public school, but the situation is very ideal and we already know so many good things about the school and the teachers.  I also am starting a new job soon in the town that I moved to, it's really close to the kids school and the perfect set up for us!

Some of you already know this, but many do not, but I met someone special.  I wasn't going around looking for someone, but he just kind of found me and we just kind of clicked.  He's my best friend and we have lots of fun times together with all of our kids (he has 2 kids & sometimes has his nieces as well).  He makes me laugh so hard and pretty much just amps up life from being good to super awesome!  He treats my kids and I so good and I feel very lucky to have him in my life.  :)

So, that's pretty much the scoop for now.

Hope all of my friends and family are doing great & I am so thankful for all of you!  :)

Unlovable

I've always struggled with self esteem issues.  I know what the Bible teaches about loving and treating others better than ourselves and I strive to do that.  1 Corinthians 13 paints a beautiful and convicting picture of how to truly love someone in the most selfless way.   

But, just because we put others first, does God want us to talk and think ugly about our own selves?  To tear ourselves down and be destructive?  But, we can be our own harshest critics.

There was a time I weighed a lot more than I do now (was about 50lbs heavier).  Here is one of the few pictures you will find from that era (I dodged cameras frequently). 

Somehow along the way, I forgot what was really important and starting judging myself and my worth based on superficial things and absolute lies.

I couldn't seem to understand or fathom how anyone could love me.

I forgot the words of Psalm 139:13-15, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth."

And Luke 12:6-7, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."

I'm glad for health reasons that I was able to lose the weight, but that never was the real issue.  And, sadly, even now, sometimes I fall back into the same old trap- that false mindset that says I'm worthless and unlovable. Sometimes it happens when I make mistakes and it immediately takes me back to those feelings of inadequacy.  However, I need to stop listening to the devil's lies!

I need to remember Psalm 100:3, "Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture."

God made me, I am His!  How amazing is that?

And Ephesians 1:5-6, "He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved."

I belong to Him, He adopted me!

Isaiah 43:4, "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..."

He loves me. 

I'm loveable. 

Thank you, Lord!

Unconditional

Sometimes people talk ugly about us or even say things that are not true.  

Or sometimes we can be guilty of listening to gossip about ourselves and believing it without verifying it (I've learned my lesson about this one-best to just disregard it)! 
 
I know it is really easy for me to just get upset and let it take over my day if I'm not careful.  But, the scriptures have a lot to say about how to handle these situations:

"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it;" 1 Cor. 4:12.

"bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you," Luke 6:28.

"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing," 1 Peter 3:9.

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you," Matthew 5:44.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse," Romans 12:14.

My takeaway from these scriptures is that I need to focus on working hard, enduring, praying, loving and trying to bless others however I can, regardless of how they treat me!  

I don't need to let bitterness or grudges resonate in my heart and rob me of joy.  I need to be able to freely forgive, hold on to peace (and make peace if need be) and choose happiness. 


Life is too short for anything else.

Complete

When I was much younger, I used to think I was a damsel in distress just waiting for my life to begin (thanks a lot, Disney movies).  Of course, all of this could only happen when Prince Charming came on the scene, right?  I really thought that I *needed* a man in my life to be happy!

Well, needless to say, all my hopes and dreams were pretty much smashed in the romance department and I didn't know what to do with myself or my life.  

And, while I'm sad that things didn't go as planned, I am extremely grateful for some big life lessons I have learned.

I realized that I was putting WAY too much pressure on the whole idea of love / romance AKA "that special someone" to complete me / make me happy.  No man can live up to that!  It's unrealistic and unfair to completely rely on another human to make me feel good about myself / "save" me from my circumstances.  It just doesn't work.  

What I now know is that it is most important to look to JESUS for ultimate completion / fulfillment / happiness.  Only HE can provide that rock and stability I need to feel secure and confident, not in myself alone, but in what He helps me to be!

I am so amazed at how, even when my heart is aching and broken, even when I don't get what I think I want, if I only remember to lean on the Lord, He fills me with an indescribable joy and contentment. 

1 Peter 1:7-8 tells us that "the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls."

And I know that this is the answer.  Only God can fix the brokenness within me.  He is the source of joy, hope and salvation from circumstances.

Don't get me wrong, relationships can be a beautiful, amazing gift from God!  He designed it so perfectly and I can only dream of what it must be like to have that.  But, if He does bless us with that, it is icing on the cake, not the whole cake!   And, if He doesn't allow us to have that, we still have something wonderful, amazing even.

I can still be complete in Him and my heart will rejoice in the Lord! 

 

Unafraid

I've heard it said before that you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.  And, I think that's pretty well true!

What Paul says in Philippians 3:13-14 makes a big impression on me, "one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

We can't really move forward, physically or spiritually if we are constantly looking behind us.

But, I've definitely been guilty of doing just that- holding on to the past, with all of its heartache and what-might-have-beens / what-should-have beens, etc.  

I've been the one hiding out from life and all of the new exciting opportunities / friends in front of me.

Because I was flat out scared out of my wits of opening myself up and getting hurt all over again. 

Scared of moving on to the next chapter of my life!

Circumstances far outside of my control spun my world off its axis and turned my life upside down.  It took me awhile to figure out how to handle things.  Well, I'm STILL trying to figure out how to handle things.

But, I'm a lot more at peace with my situation.  

I have plans, hopes and dreams that have been reignited and seem to grow bigger every day.  

I'm starting to remember who I am for the first time in a long time.

And, I'm not scared anymore. 

I don't have to have all of the answers right now or even understand everything, I just have to trust.

My eyes are fixed squarely in front of me and I'm starting to see the beauty of God's greater plan.

I now have my heart wide open and am starting to put myself out there for who I am, whether people like me and accept me or not, because God loves and accepts me and that's all that matters.

I'm ready to live again, to embrace life exactly the way it is in all its imperfect craziness.

I know there will continue to be bumps and scrapes along the way.

I am absolutely sure that I will at some point, maybe even today, fall down and get hurt.  But, I'm OK with that.  :)

Life is beautiful and the sunshine of a new day is warm and inviting!  

Never Alone

It seems like when life gets too tough to handle, even when you don't tell your friends and family, they just seem to know somehow.  They gather around you, let you spend the night at their houses, offer to come over at random hours of the night and talk, bring you food, watch your kids for you, send you thoughtful texts and pray for you.

They just seem to be there right when you need them at exactly the right time.  And, you realize that you are not alone.  In fact, you never were.

But, the devil?  He sure wants you to believe that you are in this life alone.

That your battles are so bad that you can't talk to anyone about them.

He wants to make SURE that you feel as isolated as possible, that you have messed up so bad that nothing can ever be right again.  That no one could possibly love you if they knew what a flawed person you are, etc, etc, etc...

But, it simply isn't true.  None of it is.

Romans 8:37-39 tells us that "we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" and that  "neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God always loves us.  Even when we mess up.  The devil CANNOT on his own separate us from God's love!  He can, however, deceive us into to feeling isolated, alone, "too flawed" and trick us into turning our backs on God.  But, God is always right there for us and, in fact, goes AFTER us like in the parable of the lost sheep: "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home," Luke 15:4-6.  That just means so much to me to know that he is willing to carry us back like that, to know that we can't sneak out unmissed and unwanted. 
 
And, then when you see God's people passing along that great love to each other it's one of the biggest weapons to combat the devil's lies.  

So tonight I am just very thankful for my friends and family who remind me daily of God's love through their love and kindness toward my kids and I.  And, for God who watches out for us and provides what we need at exactly the right time. 
 
And, I'm thankful to know that I am never alone.








 

Only Human

A lot of things are weighing heavy on my heart today.

Some days I feel sooo strong, like I can get through anything, no matter how tough.

Sometimes I even feel really happy!

Other days, I feel like I just can't face the day.  That life is too hard.  And sometimes I even foolishly deceive myself into thinking that nobody really cares or understands. 

And, then comes the guilt....because wow, look at these wonderful blessings in my life- my children, friends and other family, a steady job, a safe apartment, a running car, etc.  Why can't that always be enough for me? Why do I think I need more?

But, then I remember that I'm only human.  And, that I have had a lot of big disappointments in life.

And maybe it's ok to cry about it sometimes for just a little while.

I don't like to let myself be vulnerable a lot because then I'm experiencing emotions and exposing myself to heartbreak.  So I don't often let my defenses down.  

But, maybe it is ok to not be tough all the time and allow myself to just be vulnerable.

But, I can't always be like that.

 I need to endeavor to turn my eyes away from my selfishness and look to Jesus who said this to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness..." with Paul's response, "I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10.

And I'm comforted to know that He is my strength when I just can't be strong.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"  Psalm 27:1.